I Always Thought I Would Be Okay

I tried to capture my emotions on paper and was told I was misdirected
 But maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested re-appropriation of my familiarity with negligence
 'Cause part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out
 But I still feel most connected to it when I go back home
 She's now just a three year memory of being addicted to caffeine
 And praying I could tell her all the things I'd planned on saying
 And the coffee stains in my journal are a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression
 It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken
 And the most sense I can make of this world has slowly transformed itself from being ink in my pen
 To being the pain in my heart and my head
 And I never meant to write words that would make people feel like crying
 I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying
 And I have slowly tapped the breaks on working
 And pushed my foot down on letting go
 And somehow, I still don't know if this method is even working
 I just pray that people can find hope in the stories that I'm telling
 'Cause the things that kept me focused on hope were her smile and that beautiful California weather
 But now that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine, I feel like I don't have anything left
 I feel like I can't believe in power without the intoxicating reminder that this could all be another thing I'm believing
 Just because I'm sick of feeling empty and alone
 Or maybe I am just once again resorting to my pathetic need to overthink just to feel like anything real is happening
 And having to cover every base without any blind faith
 Just so I can know that I'm not acting out of my impulse to do things to benefit me, and me only
 But then out of nowhere, when I finally feel at peace and make sense of all these things
 It's in that moment that I miss everybody who ever loved me
 But somehow, the weather feels more sunny
 And the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running
 And flowing, and livestock is growing, my heart is showing
 My heart is glowing, so why do I feel so lonely?
 Maybe because the words I put on paper are not filling up my heart and it's still empty
 And darling, I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy
 I just didn't want you to be happier than me, but I guess I'm just not that lucky
 And this pain may not be escaping, and I may still be hurting but that's okay, because at least I'm living
 And I can see that someday it will be ending, even if it's not today, I know I'll be set free
 So forgive me, I'm usually much more encouraging but until then, just promise me you won't leave
 'Cause my heart may feel empty but every time I tell myself I'm alone I know that I'm just lying
 'Cause even though my heart feels empty, the walls hold photos of beautiful memories
 And if I hurt so bad now I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I'm still breathing
 And she may not still be next to me but this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me
 So heartache, thank you for still believing in me
 You're not a problem, you're my sanity, and I love you for it