A Child With Lawyers

I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family
 I have wonderful parents
 A lot of guys my age, I'll hear them say this
 They'll go, "Every day I think I'm becoming more like my dad"
 I think I'm becoming more like my mom
 Because I-I was watching that show "Access Hollywood"
 And one of the reporters said
 "Up next, we have an exclusive interview
 With Sandra Bullock's former husband, Jessie James"
 And out loud, I went, "Euch! This ought to be good"
 That's pure mom
 My parents are both lawyers
 They are both lawyers, and sometimes
 They would be like lawyers with us when we were kids
 I remember one time I was in bed
 And my dad came in and he said
 "Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?"
 And I said, "Yes"
 But here's the thing
 I hadn't
 But who cares?
 I didn't have, like, a job interview or anything
 So my dad comes back in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush
 He says, "John, is this your toothbrush?"
 And I said "Yes"
 And he said, "So we agree that this is your toothbrush?"
 Then he said, "John, this toothbrush is bone-dry"
 Like, he looked down and he said "bone-dry"
 He said, "You lied to me!"
 I said "Dad, I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth
 I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight
 And if the court reporter reads back my remarks
 You will see that I did not perjure myself"
 My mom's also a lawyer
 She was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids
 My mom was more like Nancy Grace
 She would just make wild accusations all day long
 And wait for something to stick
 My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news
 That is true
 I woke up one morning when I was a kid
 And my mom was standing over my bed and she said
 "I just heard that Princess Diana
 And her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris"
 Like I had something to do with it!
 I was like, "Mom, I have been here all night
 You can feel the TV, it's warm"
 Luckily, I had a good alibi, since I was in Wisconsin and twelve
 
 My brothers and sisters and I had
 This babysitter named Veronica when we were kids
 And I was in love with her
 I was in love with Veronica
 She would babysit us on Saturday nights
 And in my head, when I was a little kid
 I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old
 I was just talking to my mom the other week
 I found out that when I was ten, Veronica was thirteen
 So why was she in charge?
 All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could
 Thirteen when I'm ten?
 That's just like hiring a slightly bigger child
 That would be like if you're going out of town for the week
 And you paid a horse to watch your dog
 Like, "All right, here is the number where we'll be
 And here's where we keep the dog food, and you're a horse"
 "Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh"
 Why do people do that? People always shush animals
 They go, "Hey, shh shh shh..." They've never spoken!
 I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid
 I'm so excited that I get to live in New York
 I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid
 It was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
 It is a sequel. Yeah, how about that movie?
 
 It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone
 I remember in that movie
 Oh, the kid in Home Alone 2
 He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th Avenue
 With a large cheese pizza and I thought
 "This is the height of luxury!"
 Now I live in New York and I'm psyched
 But that is a stupid movie title
 "Lost in New York"? The streets are numbered!
 How'd you get lost in New York?
 I know it's kind of stupid to complain
 About a movie that came out 17 years ago
 But I wasn't a comedian back then
 So I have to do it now
 I wish I'd been. I wish I'd been a Def Jam comic
 When that movie came out
 I would have torn it to pieces!
 Be like, "You seein' this shit?
 You seein' this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit?
 It's a grid system, motherfucker!
 Where you at? 24th and 5th?
 Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th?
 11 up and one over, you simple bitch!"
 That'd be my big joke. That'd be the closer
 If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out
 But alas, I was not