Asian American Woman

I think the-the bullying that young people
 Have to go through now in schools is really rough
 I really sympathize, 'cause I was bullied when I was a kid
 Uh, when I was in grade school
 I was bullied, uh, for being Asian-American
 And the biggest problem with that
 Is that I am not Asian-American
 But when I was younger, and this is absolutely true
 People thought that I might be Asian-American
 I have pretty thin eyes
 I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid
 And I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut
 And from the ages of three to eight
 People thought that I might be a young Chinese person
 On the first day that he met me
 The guy that is now my best friend
 He met me the first day of kindergarten
 He went home that night and said
 "Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes"
 And that was me
 Kids would make fun of me in middle school
 Kids would call me a "Chinaman"
 Which of the racial slurs has gotta be the laziest
 That is just pushing two words together
 No work was done there
 It was very confusing to me 'cause I'm not Chinese
 No one in my family is remotely Asian
 I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside
 But that was more of a carpeting thing than anything else
 Here's how bad it got, though
 I remember when I was in junior high
 We had this music appreciation class
 That we never appreciated
 And they took us to hear
 Some classical music once at a symphony orchestra
 So we go to a symphony orchestra
 In one of these classical pieces
 There's a moment where they bang a gong
 And every time they banged the gong
 All the kids sitting in front of me
 Would stand up, turn to me, and bow like that
 Which is some racist-ass bullshit
 But also incredibly well-coordinated
 For a group of thirteen-year-olds
 Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world
 They terrify me to this day
 If I'm on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM
 And I see a group of eighth graders on one side of the street
 I will cross to the other side of the street
 Because eighth graders will make fun of you
 But in an accurate way
 They will get to the thing that you don't like about you
 They don't even need to look at you for long
 They'll just be like "Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
 Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!"
 And I'm like, "No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about!"
 When I was a boy
 I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone
 Because before I went through puberty
 I had a voice like a little flute!
 I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video
 Which is a very old-fashioned sentence
 And, it is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video
 That's like when your gram would be like
 "We'd all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!"
 And you're like
 "No one knows what you're talking about, you idiot!"
 You know how you talk to your grandma?
 So, I was on the phone with Blockbuster
 I'd called them a couple of times in one day
 To ask about a movie, and I called for a third time
 I said, "Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see
 If you had Addams Family Values yet"
 And the guy at Blockbuster went, "Hey lady!
 I'll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!"
 But look, I wasn't offended
 As a boy being confused with a lady
 I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around
 By this chauvinist asshole that works at Blockbuster Video
 Talking to me like I'm some floozy
 I am a proud Asian-American woman
 And you will treat me with respect!
 I am a tiger mom!