Whiskey Or Perfume

I'm Irish, I keep things very bottled up
 And I don't drink!
 Which is, not what you're supposed to do when you're Irish
 I don't drink, I used to drink, and then I drank too much
 And I had to stop
 And that surprises a lot of audiences because
 I don't look like someone who used to do anything
 I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair
 Eating Saltines for like 28 years
 And then I walked right out here
 But I did, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped
 I don't know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking
 But, you need to know two things about quitting drinking
 The first is, that, when you stop drinking
 And you still go to parties where people are drinking
 They will have no idea what to offer you
 Like, once people start drinking for the night
 They forget everything that isn't alcohol
 Like, I'll show up at a party and they'll be like
 "Hey, everybody, alright, we got Coronas in the fridge
 And oh hey, Mulaney, Would you like
 Like an old turnip that we found in a cabinet?"
 "Would that be good for you?"
 "Would you like that?"
 "I know you don't drink!"
 "Or my girlfriend left a Nuva ring in the fridge"
 "Would you want that?"
 "Would that be good for you?"
 "I know you don't drink!"
 Also, if you quit drinking, you 're about to lose
 The best excuse you've ever had in your life
 Which is "I'm really sorry about last night, I was just so drunk"
 That is a Get Out of Jail Free card
 That you don't even realise you have until you lose it
 I can't say that anymore, I can never be like
 "I'm really sorry about last night, I was just so drunk"
 Now I have to be like
 "I'm really sorry about last night, It's just that I'm mean and loud"
 "It probably will happen again"
 Now I, myself, I quit drinking because I used to drink too much
 And then I would black out and I would "ruin parties"
 Or so I'm told
 When you do that enough
 When you black out drinking and you do crazy things
 You kinda become like Michael Jackson
 Like any story anyone says about you might be true
 And even you don't know by the end
 I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died
 And they were like
 "Is it true that you bought the Elephant Man's bones?"
 And he was like "I don't know!" Y'know
 Because how could he keep track of that?
 So I would hear stories about myself
 Here's a story I once heard about me
 I guess, I was twenty, and I was at a party at someone's house
 And I blacked out drinking and someone came out of
 One of the rooms at this party
 Holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it
 And they said "Hey! Is this whiskey, or perfume?"
 And apparently, I grabbed it, drank all of it
 And said "It's perfume"
 And it was