The Saddest Thing in America

Anyway, so now I'm married, and uh, sex is very different when you're married
 Because it doesn't exist, actually
 I was talking to a friend of mine, about how my wife and I don't really fuck anymore
 And he said, uh, "well, does she blow you at least?"
 What are you, fucking high? you think she's blowing me?
 Who wants to blow their husband?
 Who the fuck would want to?
 What a bummer to blow your husband
 You don't want to blow your husband
 You want to blow your date, that's who you want to blow
 You want to blow a guy you've been dating and you don't quite know him yet
 He comes over and picks you up, ooh, that's a new shirt
 I never saw that shirt on him, it's very handsome
 You go to dinner he's like, "here try this"
 Oh, new things, I like new things
 Tells you something funny makes you laugh
 Oh, he shouldn't say that, but it's wrong, he shouldn't say
 Tells you a sad story, oh my god
 You go back to his place, you suck his cock and you go home
 That's the proper context for a blow job
 Nobody wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day, that's not fun
 Do his shitty laundry and then he comes out of the bathroom
 "Alright, you suck my dick, okay?"
 "Will you suck my dick right now?"
 "Yes, I'm fucking dying to suck your smelly, old, fucking disgusting dick, for the thousandth time
 I can't fucking wait
 My, wife gave me a hand job, uh, the other day
 And, uh, I got to tell you that, I think that that hand job
 Was probably the saddest thing that ever happened in America
 It really was the saddest fucking thing, that hand job, was so tragic
 There should be like a monument to that hand job
 With a reflecting pool, where you just sit and think
 God, that was fucking sad and yeah
 And a little thing where you put rocks on it and think about it, and, you know
 Here's what happened, I'm going to tell you about this hand job
 Um, my wife and I were home, in the middle of the day
 The baby was asleep on our bed
 The four-year-old is where ever the fuck she goes all day
 And um, my wife and I are sitting on the couch, just sitting there
 Just fucking married on the couch, you know, just
 And my wife looked at me and I don't know where she got this sort of sense that I was in a
 She said something like, "hey, we have to go to that thing for the..."
 And I was like, "oh, who gives a shit?"
 Like, I don't know what it was that tipped her off that I was starting to feel real bad
 Here's the thing, is that as far as sex, for guys it's just not com
 We just need to release, that's all it is.
 We just... we just need it
 Women, it's like a fucking emotional thing where they... they need...
 We need to come, just because we need to
 Women, it's like they get into it, they shiver
 And then they lie on their side and cry after and all that kind of shit
 But for guys, it's just something that we need to do
 So that we won't murder people.
 That's all it is, really. just maintenance.
 Open the fucking valve once in a while, please.
 The city should put a red tag on the dick that has a PSI level that's unacceptable
 And my wife always waits till it's fucking way, like, till it's critical.
 She lets it go so long, until finally we're sitting on the couch
 And she looks at me and we're like
 Okay, we're going to all be in the paper tomorrow if I don't fucking do something.
 So, she doesn't want to fuck me, she doesn't want to blow me,
 So she looks at me and she goes, "well, would you like a hand job?"
 I'm like, "yeah, that sounds awesome"
 So we go upstairs to my daughter's room
 Because it's the only empty room in the house.
 You know what? Fuck you. I pay the rent
 I'll shit on her bed if I want to.
 Seriously? let me have a fucking hand job in my house
 It's all I get. It's not me
 She won't jerk me off in the living room because there's too much nice shit
 I'm not allowed to come on, that's the whole thing.
 I don't even get to enjoy my orgasm
 Because the second I'm coming, she's pointing my dick away from stuff
 Ew, careful. She points it into my belly button, like, make it go back in there
 Can it go back in?
 Alright, so I'm laying on the floor in my daughter's room, looking up at the mobile of fucking ducks and airplanes.
 What does a fucking duck need with an airplane?
 Why does a baby give a shit?
 So I'm laying there on the floor and my wife is just sitting next to me in her bathrobe
 And weirdly, I'm not getting off on this
 The fucking woman grimacing and tugging on my penis, dryly while basically reading People Magazine at the same time
 It's not that I'm not getting off on it
 It's taken me a while to come and she starts getting impatient
 She's like, "come on! Come on!"
 Like yelling, "come on", into my dick, seriously?
 At one point, I wanted her to lick her palm
 I got this idea, maybe if she licked her palm, there will be some semblance of something going on
 And so I had to, you gotta approach asking for those things carefully
 You can't just go, "hey, lick your palm", like that
 Because that'll ruin whatever mood there already isn't
 So I go like, "hey, maybe you'd lick your palm, lick your palm"
 She;s like, "what?"
 "Lick your palm, lick your palm"
 She's like, "what the fuck are you saying to me"
 You know what she thought I said?
 She thought I said "you look like your mom"
 So now I gotta get that out of my head
 I'm trying to fucking like, close my eyes and fantasize that she gives a shit
 Nothing's working and finally she goes, "hey, I'm getting really tired, so"
 You know what I did?
 I finally just took her hand in my hand, and I just jerked myself off, with her hand
 She's like, "oh, thank you, that's much easier that way"
 That has to be the lowest form of sex, that's even fucking possible
 To just be jerking myself off with my tired wife's hand
 She might as well be dead at that point
 Seriously, she might as well be a fucking corpse
 I came home and found her dead and fuck it, I'm getting one more before I call the police
 Just one more, these things are hurting
 I'm not hurting nobody, I'll call 911, she's not getting any deader
 Cops find DNA on her wrists
 She gave me a hand job and then died of shame, i think
 I don't know what happened. I don't know