Why Gay Couples Adopt

I love animals, I do, I do
 We have a weird relationship to animals
 We name them and we play with them and we kill them
 And we eat them and we stuff them and we draw them
 I have a dog. I love my dog
 But I don't know my dog
 We've never had a conversation
 Not one time, I talk and she just hears
 Fadapoortastedis, fixdaporktastdis
 Tastethispalumpa
 She looks at me
 And I'm like "yes"
 And she's like "what, you dont know what I'm thinking fuck you"
 I don't know this bitch, i don't know what she's thinking
 I really wish i did, i wish i knew what she was thinking
 It's my biggest wish maybe in life
 Is that I knew, cause I know she has thoughts
 I know she does
 There's no way she's just like, dog
 There's stuff going on in here, I've seen it
 You ever watch your dog make a decision?
 You ever watch your dog just walk in the room
 And look around like yeah, I'm gonna go over here
 Why? Please tell me why
 I think my dog thinks I'm insane
 Because I look at my life through her eyes
 Like, I'll watch TV for four hours
 And from my dog's point of view, I'm just be sitting there
 My dog is my life now, because my kids have grown up
 My kids are in college
 I'm an empty nester
 That's what you call it when your kids are gone
 Because they grew up, not if they're dead
 It's not used that way
 My daughter died of leukemia
 Hey you're an empty nester
 I miss it. I miss having little kids
 I think about it all the time
 I think about it maybe adopting, you know
 I could adopt a baby from a third world country
 That's a good thing to do, because you can just leave him outside You don't have to
 You know, it's interesting
 We've been adopting babies from other countries in America for a long time
 You know, other countries do it, too.
 But I live here, so I'll talk about that.
 But it's an interesting thing
 It's not a biological imperative to go get a baby from thousands of miles away
 But we do. We've been doing that in large numbers here for a long time
 And not always for the same reasons
 There's been different reasons why we've done it in the early, like in the 70s when I grew up.
 Sometimes you meet a couple who had an African baby that they brought
 Because they're those kind of, you know, these kinds of people
 You know? The kind of couples that hold hands when they announce things
 You know those kind of people? They gather their friends and they're like, we've decided
 You know those?
 They have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it
 And their apple juice is cloudy
 You know what I'm talking about Those are the kind of people
 They Make a trip to Zimbabwe and get a baby
 And name him Kevin and send him to Boston College, whatever
 That was like the 70s and 80s
 Then the 90s, it became very popular with gay couples
 Started to adopt babies from China
 Because they want to have a baby but they can't
 They both have dicks
 I don't know if you know that
 Did you know that
 Gay couples have two dicks so they can't make a baby?
 You can try, you can really
 You get you could try to come into one dick with the other
 Like if you line up the dick holes and you can come
 And the sperm goes up this dick and down that one
 And then the sperm gets to the balls
 And they're like, wait, what the fuck?
 Did we turn around?
 Because we're in the balls again
 Whose balls are these?
 These aren't even his balls
 Oh, he's gay, fuck, all right, okay
 All right, well, let's just swim around until we're dead
 This is the way it is
 You're not going to...
 A baby will never come out of a penis
 It's good. It's a good thing
 But it's hard for women
 Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis dickhole
 Even just a hand
 Yeah, anyway, so that's why gay couples adopt
 That's why
 And often from China, because they make a lot of stuff there
 So that was that
 That was the gay couples were adopting Chinese babies because they couldn't have babies
 And then and then a lot of other couples are doing it more around the turn of the century
 I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place
 And everybody there gets Chinese babies
 It's very popular
 They go because, and it's not because they can't have babies
 And it's not because they're trying to help somebody from far away
 It's because they just busy
 They're busy
 They want to have a baby, but they don't want to have a baby You know what I mean?
 That thing where you, you can't have your baby and eat it too or whatever
 I don't know how that works They don't want to get pregnant is the point
 So they go to China
 They don't even go to China
 They go to the airport and somebody from China meets them, gives them a baby
 It's true
 They just take it home and then they get a Jamaican nanny to watch their Chinese baby
 And they go to cocktail parties
 We have a Chinese baby
 It's amazing
 And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just alone looking at each other
 Like, what are we doing? What is it?
 What is this? Why can't either of us see our families
 Why?
 What the fuck is the point of this?