Edward's Dilemma

A tribute to dear old clement
 My friend Edward likes a drink
 He thinks it's better than Tiddlywinks
 He can sniff out a watering hole from a mile
 And two hours later his gracious smile
 Will greet you as you drag yourself from under the table
 Unable to continue with what once was in you
 Being mopped up by the bar keep
 As you call yourself a cab
 To keep your sanity intact
 You hear another bottle cracked open
 Well eddy would go on like this
 Quite a miss and stagger home
 To the misses in bliss
 Until one night she rather put her foot down
 "If you come home in that shape once more, I shall leave town"
 She said, and he can tell that she meant it
 He told me as I found him club tormented
 "The wife's going to leave me if I go home like this"
 "And here I am again in the club quite pissed"
 "With cardnal Trunder's holy water all down my shirt"
 "She'll either leave me or I shan't escape unhurt"
 "Oh what am I to do, me old chap?"
 I said "don't panic Eddy, I've an answer to that"
 "Simply tell your lady wife that a ruffian did it"
 "Threw up on your shirt when you quite forbid it"
 "So you offered to box his ears from here to Brazil"
 "So he offered to pay for the dry cleaning bill"
 "I'm sure her endorsement relent and chill"
 "And your union will continue still"
 "Good lord" said Edward "Well that might just work"
 And he set off with a swagger in his stagger
 He stumbled through his door with a smile and a hiccup
 To be confronted by a nagger with a dagger
 "That's the limit" she shrieks and began to pack her things
 "You got it wrong my dear" said Edward staggering
 "I am innocent, it was a chap intoxicated"
 "Quite inebriated he did chunder on my suit"
 "I was so aggravated that once he had debated"
 "I gave him the heel of my boot"
 "When he offered to pay for the dry cleaning bill see"
 "He gave me ten pounds as a gesture of good will"
 As he held up the notes up in the air
 His wife asked "Then why are there two ten pound notes there?"
 Edward paused, merely for dramatic effect, for he knew the words to say
 And then he said them, and he regrets it to this day
 He said: "the first ten pounds is from the chap who was sick on me"
 "For that I give him thanks"
 "And the second, is from the chap, who shat in my pants"
 The second is from the chap who shat in my pants
 It's true