Turning 30 Was an Eye Opener

I'm back to writing lists again
 Trying not to think about my neck or wrists again
 Trying not to think of anything
 Trying not to think of you
 Believe me, I wish that I could
 I wish you would talk
 I wish I could shut up
 Wish that we could find a way to go back to a time way before
 Every bite tasted this bitter
 Before I got tired of wishing
 And before you got bored
 And before I started writing
 Another few thousand words to let you know that I'm not doing fine
 And I somehow still don't think I'll be,
 A couple more teeth down the line
 'Cause most of one half of my family's dead
 Now I'm dead to most of the other half
 And you keep shining hope through the crack in the door
 Then whenever I get close, you slam it shut
 And turning 30 really opened my eyes to the fact
 That I'm firmly stuck in a brand new rut
 And I know it'd be easier to give in to hate
 Just like it'd be easier to give up and die
 Recently it's become a choice between the two
 And I can't figure out why
 So now it's caffeine to get through the day
 Sleeping pills to shut down
 Then painkilers for the migraine
 Day in, day out
 Week after week