A Past Embrace

This isn't grace
 This isn't a place to feel safe or give praise
 This is a past embrace
 I attempt to be cordial
 In a sense, I wish I could just fucking exit
 This existential dread I've been given
 It's all that I have within, all I am
 Sometimes, I'm feeling violently sick
 It's just the taste of blood
 The shade it stains
 The fix I seem to crave
 The views that fade
 I thought that things could change
 I thought we paid
 I guess I still have time to bleed
 Drown the fleet
 I detach myself from everyone that still has hope left in me
 My dreams are plundering
 Wondering how to cross this off if I can't even keep my focus
 I'm choking on this and probably bothering all that have to watch
 This is exactly how I pictured the scene
 My roads are crumbling
 How could we come this far to fall back into what's been only beating
 Mistreating and feeding on the flesh and bone?
 I'll wash my hands of all these indecent wrongs
 To pretend I'm not just awfully made of flaws
 This detesting is all I have ever deserved
 And I won't ascend to God or his fucking doves
 I won't look to the above, just into the sun
 Is this all just what I want or what I've become?
 Am I even capable of receiving love?
 It seems that only time will tell here in hell
 Problems I have come to find aren't always as they seem
 I could lie right through your eyes and still not feel a thing
 I remember better endings with you in the rain
 That was then but this now and I just don't feel the same
 I could fuck this up enough for no one to debate
 That I'd be filled with twisted thrills for all the coming days
 Will you still insist to kill me with your loving gaze
 Or will I just sit inside until my life's erased?
 My intentions stay relentless, hungry for the pain
 Your affection seems to lessen as you stray away
 I contend until the end just like a fading flame
 Pretty pictures always wither to the point of frayed
 I consider this a win amongst destructive days
 Compromised by all the signs of having to escape
 Will I time this as precisely as it needs to be
 Or will I decide to die in less than lovely ways?
 Embalmed by everything far from calm
 I'll just disown the eager persistence of my thoughts
 Whether or not I'm a cancer to all
 Or just a simple cunt, a dripping cut
 This isn't what I always loved
 This isn't fun
 This is a past embrace
 Now it's too late to think of changing my fucking ways
 I'll go back to where I should be