The Miracle Of Birth (feat. Donna Lynne Champlin)

Of all the mystery and wonder and beauty on this earth
 Nothing can compare to the miracle of birth
 Well your cervix has been closed and plugged with mucus
 But soon that viscous plug will be discharged
 (It's called "bloody show")
 And explosive diarrhea means that labor's drawing nearer
 And those sharp painful contractions cause your cervix to enlarge
 (Beautiful!)
 Then you'll race your ass over to the hospital
 Where they'll strap you in for the hell ride of your life
 (It's what your body's made for)
 You'll soon be in so much pain that you'll probably exclaim
 "Please just kill me now, doctor, doula, or midwife!"
 Tear, tear, tear goes your vagina
 Never will it be its cute little self again
 But the good news is if you have a few more kids
 The rest will basically plop right out
 After hours and hours of utter torture
 You may poop yourself and-or throw up as you bear down
 ('Cause you're a goddess)
 And though you've never been this tired, wait, here comes the ring of fire
 That's your vagina bursting into flames as the head starts to crown
 Burn, burn, burn goes your vagina
 And you'll curse and scream until you hear a cry
 (It's your baby!)
 And oops! There it went-a, that was the placenta
 Which you must expel, or you will surely die
 When it's all over, they place the baby on your breast
 You may be happy for a moment, but then for months you'll be depressed
 'Cause you've wrecked your life and body, you'll think "Was it really worth?"
 All that for the miracle of birth
 (But of course it was!)