I Am A F*g Hag

I love the word 'faggot' because it describes my kind of guy
 I am 'fag hag'
 Fag hags are the backbone of the gay community
 Without us, you're nothing
 We had been there ALL through history,
 guiding your sorry ass through the underground railroad
 'Come on, girl, you need to hurry! C'mon!'
 'Don't forget Kyle, you know he like to lag behind'
 We went to the prom with you
 We are still there by your side at the gay bars
 I love going to gay bars but gay men are the worst
 because if they hook up with somebody, they leave you SO fast
 At least your girlfriends are like,
 "I came with my friends, I can't fuckin' leave,
 I'm here with all my friends, I'm not gonna fucken leave with you OMG
 I don't want no scrub, okay?"
 Your gay friends are like "Girl, you can get a ride home, can't you?"
 "You can get a ride,
 you could take the bus, you go take the subway, you a big girl
 You go, girl!
 You go!
 No, I mean you GO - BYE."
 At last call at a gay bar, the only people left in there are women
 I am so lucky though because I have so many wonderful gay men as fans
 They treat me so nice,
 this guy sent me this huge basket filled with Vidal Sassoon hair care
 products and it was really beautiful
 but then I opened it up and it was all for dry damaged hair
 I love my gay male friends but when I was a little girl I always
 wished to be constantly surrounded by gorgeous
 guys and I am, and I should've been more specific
 But thank god for gay men
 Thank god for gay men
 Because if it was not for gay men, I would not talk to men at all
 I'm scared of straight men
 I am hetero-phobic
 Do you know anybody that's straight anyway?
 It's so weird, it's so subversive to be straight
 It's like if I'm talking to a guy who's straight
 and cute and single, I'm like "Are you an unicorn?"
 They're so scary to me
 They used to not be so scary because I used to drink a lot
 and I was never scared
 I would walk up to a guy at a bar and
 I'd be like, "Hey, yeah, um. Stick it in!"
 You can't really do that in sobriety
 It doesn't work at Starbucks
 "Yes, I'd like Frappuccino and stick it in!"