Oh, Santa!

Here's a festive tale for you all
 It was the night before christmas
 And all around the house
 Were scattered small puddles of famous grouse
 An early gift from a maiden arms
 I thought I'll drink this rot
 (although I shan't)
 The plants got a good whiskey watering, though
 after my risky sauntering home from the club
 beyond a quick pop in to the pub
 to extol tales of old
 to the proles in their rowdy lug-holes
 though they were cold
 I know they found my jolly stories rather droll
 they went down gladly like a tory troll, at a glory hole
 I degress
 still, barely made a crease in my Sunday best
 when I arrive home in a stupor
 "Oh super" I thought
 "Father Christmas is a trooper"
 I'll leave him some port under the tree as a treat
 That'll set him on his way
 and a carrot for Rudolph- the helper on his sleigh
 I placed the offering beneath the tree
 with a note which read:
 Santa, thak you yee
 do enjoy this small treat that I've given thee,
 but when I woke the fat git had taken liberty.
 Just one glass of sherry,
 I thought that was clear,
 and the carrot was food for the reindeer.
 Oh Santa,
 don't dock at my chimney again.
 An empty bottle beneath the tree
 and a carrot, besmirched by faecal debris.
 Oh Santa,
 don't dock at my chimney again.
 I come down on christmas morning to a terrible sight,
 I thought at first a burglar had come in the night;
 a sherry bottle on the fire
 and sherry dripping from the ceiling
 and now the christmas dinner seems somewhat unappealing.
 Since he did that with a carrot,
 my confidence is murky
 as to whether he didn't do something rather similar with the turkey.
 Next year though, I shall find out the truth;
 I shall await the cheeky blighter
 with a shotgun on the roof.
 If I may be permitted to state a natural fact,
 Father Christmas committed an unatural act.
 Oh Santa,
 don't dock at my chimney again.
 He finished my supply of fortified wine
 then he popped a carrot where the sun doesn't shine!
 Oh Santa,
 don't dock at my chimney again.
 Oh I wish he hadn't have done that on christmas day
 Oh I wish he hadn't have done that on christmas day
 Oh I wish he hadn't have done that on christmas day
 If I may be permitted to state a natural fact,
 Father Christmas committed an unatural act.
 Oh Santa,
 don't dock at my chimney again.
 He finished my supply of fortified wine
 then he popped a carrot where the sun doesn't shine.
 Oh Santa,
 don't dock at my chimney again.
 Why would he do
 such a thing
 at christmas?:'(