The Crack Song

On contemplating how
 One becomes a star
 I have appeared to have stumbled
 Upon a formula
 Something that will take me
 Straight to the top
 Leapfrog
 All of those talented fops
 They leave the Italia Conti
 And they think they've got it made
 Sell records to the dribbling mass
 Who claim financial aid
 But when people laugh instead
 They go out of their heads
 Although that's not something
 I would necessarily dissuade
 On perusing the social diaries in the broadsheets at the club
 I pondered on this problem and thought, "Ah! There's the rub!"
 So many useless stars once they are popular
 Turn to something else to hide what drivellers they are
 I'll simply choose a nice Class A
 But heroin is so passé
 I know what to do and I'll give you a clue
 So listen to what I'm about to say...
 I think I'll try some of that crack cocaine
 I've heard it rather takes away the pain
 It's the kind of caper
 that might get me in the papers
 And garner me some critical acclaim.
 I'll make myself a nice drug hell
 A cheeky tale the press can tell
 And if I smoke some crack
 I might get my mojo back
 And win myself a Brit Award as-well
 ...
 They wanted me to go to rehab and I said,
 "That sounds nice!"
 Having my arse wiped by the lower class
 "That sounds nice!"
 I've got lots of time
 and if they're supplying the wine
 Then, they wanted me to go to rehab and I said
 "That sounds nice!"
 So, I think I'll try some of that crack cocaine
 I've heard it rather takes away the pain
 It's the kind of caper
 that might get me in the papers
 And garner me some critical acclaim
 I'll make myself a nice drug hell
 A cheeky tale the press can tell
 And if I smoke some crack
 I might get my mojo back
 And win myself a Brit Award as-well
 I just might...
 "That sounds nice!"