Dodged a Bullet

Little baby you were brought here through a miracle
 And a broken condom
 I didn't know sperm carried knives
 And somehow you got by the IUD
 The diaphragm, the spermicide, and a morning after pill
 But if Daddy hadn't been so drunk
 And Mommy hadn't run out of batteries
 If Daddy pulled out on time
 Instead of thinking 'bout Angelina Jolie
 Then baby you wouldn't be here
 You'd have been wiped up with a towel
 Little baby will your new life be a happy one
 Or will you make your money
 Putting sausage between your buns
 Like a hot dog cart, lady
 Ching ching!
 Will you be a great man
 Who brings peace to all the land
 Or the type of guy that lures kids into a big white cargo van
 And since you're pretty scary
 I'm really glad that you're not mine
 And I guess I'm pretty happy
 That your mommy cheated on me this time
 So go ahead and be
 Just as evil as you wanna be
 Hell yes, I dodged that bullet and I'm free.