A Fete Worse Than Death

[Sample of an old record opens]
 [Speaking]
 Ahh, that's it boys!
 Put it up, put it all up! Today's the day!
 [Laughs]
 Get that big picture of my face, up on the side of the marque.
 Cake stall, are you ready?
 Dog show, all your doggies in a row?
 [Verse the first]
 If it's nice all summer
 I'll entice more numbers
 I'll invite all comers
 I'll invite your mother
 'Cuz tonight I'm planning for tomorrow morning
 Getting up at dawn
 Sorting awning and bunting
 There's always something new
 Here at Elemental Manor there's something to do
 Something beautiful and a little alarming
 Being built in my English country garden
 So for one day you can come and try
 My kind of fun on a Sunday in July
 Quirky, lovely, quintessentially English
 Wonderfully rubbish
 Singularly distinguished!
 [Bridge, 2 times]
 (Come on down!) It isn't too late
 (Another summer!) Let me give you a break
 (Something a little different!) Let me give you a taste
 Of the annual Professor Elemental Village Fete!
 [Verse the second]
 Opening now for B-boys and B-ladies
 Steampunks go free, there's no need to pay me
 Got morris break dancers, jingling baby
 Serve strawberries and cream, with a forty of Baileys.
 Guess the weight of the break, the DJ rocks!
 Splat the rat rapper with a stick or some rocks
 Hook-a-duck left the villagers particularly shocked
 Shouldn't have used real ducks, that's sick
 And I'm not out to offend!
 It's for unusual tastes.
 You'll need your own spoon for my hen and spoon race.
 Stop your screw face, my tombola is so far bling,
 Thrown in a car with rims and a chauffer.
 Sack race for clans, crews, posses, and cliques
 Best pith helmet competition, obviously fixed.
 Cakes laced with herbs that will knock you for six
 Who'd have guessed a village fete would have gotten remixed?
 [Sample of an old record plays out]