Quest for the Golden Frog

Prof. Elemental: So yeah, basically it lunged at me
 Its claws bared and its teeth clumped together
 So of course I shot it in the face!
 Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be Princess Anne...
 Oh, s-sorry?
 Oh, Is the mic on?
 Oh hello? Hello?
 Right-o
 Well thank you Lord Bucksley
 And I, I'd like to welcome you to this lecture
 Of the Gentlemen's Club of the Empire!
 Uh, in front of you you'll find your Brain-O-Matic helmets
 It's a marvelous device
 Which will conjure pictures of my exploits directly into your delicate heads
 If you'd like to attach the electrodes and then simply insert the spinal syringe...
 Ah, there we go!
 Well. Let's begin!
 Attention Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen!
 Professor Elemental recommends
 My lecture, meant for special friends
 Attend my adventure to the very end
 My quest was risky, my role was odd
 I set out for the mystic golden frog!
 (Oooh!)
 It was the stuff of legends
 Said to give the bearer a glimpse of Heaven!
 Plus, it was quite shiny
 So in preparation
 First I drew a map from my imagination,
 Packed my battenberg and my absinthe
 Marmoquin, blunderbuss, and my collapsing magic staff!
 Plus a tea-pot and some proper grey
 Stoke the fire, set the bellows
 Come on fellows, chocks away!
 A-ha! To find the frog...
 HEY YOU!
 Pack your bags, it's time to trip,
 With the good Professor so ride the ship,
 Exotic dancer third, then scientist,
 But explorer first, so I enlist
 YOU!
 Pack your bags, it's time to trip,
 With the good Professor so ride the ship,
 Exotic dancer third, then scientist,
 But explorer first
 Week one:
 Crash-landed near Tanzania,
 Surrounded by savages in rabbit ears
 Before you could say "My good man, how queer!"
 I held aloft my magic spear!
 "In the name of the empire, bring me the frog!"
 Amazingly, they made me their king or their god
 I didn't think this was odd until we got to the volcano
 Hotter than my stage show
 Time for me to lay low...
 Week two:
 I used my string to tie bamboo poles
 A useful thing
 I roll in to surf the rising tide
 I feel alive like a viking
 Time to ride to the ship
 In a storm, how exciting!
 Let's take to the skies with the power of lightning!
 Launch the nets Geoffery!
 It's going to be a rough ride
 HEY YOU!
 Pack your bags, it's time to trip
 With the good Professor
 So ride the ship
 Exotic dancer third, then scientist
 Explorer first, so I enlist
 YOU!
 Week three:
 No closer to finding the frog
 But I had an absinthe party
 With the Munchkins of Oz!
 No trouble to come in to land
 For opium, tea and mushrooms in Wonderland
 (More tea?)
 And this is something grand
 From London to Australia, my cunning plan
 Was completely and utterly unsuccessful!
 So I left to go settle back at home with my kettle
 For the rest I need -
 You'll never guess what was hiding under the settee!
 Yes! It's the frog! Oh, pardon me
 I forgot, I won it in a wager last week!
 ...That is embarrassing, isn't it?
 A little bit of a waste of time, really
 Geoffrey must have tucked it under there, I suppose...
 Well, anyway
 Uh, thank you for coming!
 Ah, I hope you consider my application for funding
 For next year's trip to find life on Mars
 I know the chances of anything coming to Earth
 Are a million to one, or so they say
 But I disagree, really!
 And I think that...
 Oh, hello? Hello?
 Oh, where's everyone gone?